Printed in the ugliest font known to humankind, Comic Sans, are the words ‘Vienna Ugly’ on paper flapping in the wind on a stick Eugene has obviously snapped off of a tree shortly before the tour’s commencement. Or perhaps it’s all staged, and the stick he picked up a while back with the preconceived idea of how it would add to the whole tour’s ‘ugly’ theme. Whichever it is, it works with his whole outfit, like a slim glitter clutch would work with a black silk evening dress – but while the dress and the clutch say elegance, his fluorescent orange pants and the stick with the limp A4 pieces of paper say, ‘my whole wardrobe was stolen the night before and this is all the thieves left behind.’
Eugene Quinn is a Brit’, and the face of this tour celebrating the lovely ugly of Vienna, while his cheeky wit is what will swallow your attention whole as you hop from building to ugly building in Vienna’s 2nd district, Leopoldstadt.
“You could do an ugly tour in any district of Vienna, but it’s fun kicking the Bobo-stan of the 2nd district in the face.”
Eugene is wearing fluorescent orange polyester pants, which he tells us are exactly the same ones the city’s waste collection workers, the 48ers, wear – an appropriate uniform to proudly lead such a tour in. They’re ripped at the crutch, revealing his tighty-whiteys and I find myself wondering if this is also part of the show.
“It’s possible to be ugly and beautiful, all at once, like Mick Jagger,” says Eugene, standing in front of the leftovers of Nazi architecture that stands as one of the dominant features of the Vienna skyline – the Flaktürme (Flak towers).
“These anti-aircraft towers never even shot down a single plane as they weren’t completed until 1945, so I guess they stand today as a reminder of the failure of the Nazis.”
Each building Eugene points out as ugly is accompanied by behind the scenes info like this.
We follow Eugene, all trying to guess which building will be his next victim.
“The funny thing when you’re on an ugly tour is that you’re looking ahead wondering which building is the next ugly one,” says Eugene. “On most tours you’re looking for beauty, but on our tour you’re looking for ugliness.”
Violent buildings, buildings that look like a mathematical puzzle given up on by a maths professor that’s grown tired of it, a building on which a guy has painted his love life, dedicating every floor to a different past lover – it features an eye on it that cries when it rains and a blue penis spitting sperm. “There’s high competition in Vienna of buildings trying to get onto the Ugly tour,” explains Eugene.
There is a great perverse pleasure in finding the architectural fuckups in a city that has so much architectural glory.
Nevertheless, while you spend the tour looking for the ugly, you inadvertently pay more attention to the beautiful faces of Vienna’s streets, as well. But it you think Vienna’s all sweet, beautiful Baroque and grand, think again, and take a walk around the city with Eugene on this very unique tour.
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